Thursday, April 1, 2010

Cringe inducing

Sometimes TV shows will do something involving video games and every single time they are horrible. This is probably the worst example I've ever seen and I can barely watch it because it just makes me feel so embarrassed but I can't really explain why. One quick note before you watch it: Nothing in this clip is really even close to reality.



I was going to just leave it there but upon watching it again I'm going to list every single problem I have with it from start to finish. This is the internet after all so it is the perfect place for a guy to complain about useless stuff that has no importance to anyone.

1) Damien Lewis is awesome. That's the only positive I have for this clip/show.
2) Ok I suppose you're right in that a game console has computer components...I'll give you that one, Lewis. However the "computer expert" girl is an idiot. There's no games on a console hard drive! Strike one!
3) Wrong Captain nerd, the object of the game is not saving the princess. Hand in your nerd uniform.
4) This isn't a game complaint but more of a script one. How do they know that they will find what they need when the guy gets to level ten? There are more than ten levels in the game so it's not even like they need to get close to beating it. However I'll give the cops the benefit of the doubt and whatever they need is simply at level ten, not at the end of the game.
5) HAHA video game guy lives with his mom and has STAR TREK THING. This is the point in the clip where I get simultaneously angry and embarrassed at/for the writer(s).
6) Well that's not the beginning of the game at all.
7) Game guru's hands on the controller aren't even matching what is happening on the screen or affecting the character. Note: We are only 48 seconds in at this point.
8) There are no "You Win Advance to Level X" messages in the game.
9) The Game Master sucks. He's messing up on level two. Come on man show some nerd pride.
10) This isn't your neighbourhood arcade circa 1989 - there are no "Play Again?" messages on games anymore and especially not on this specific game.
11) This first "loser" montage that I will refer to is not how the game plays out. It is similar however its just bits and pieces from all of the various LEVELS of the game, not just level two (or whatever he is I'm starting to lose interest).
12) This is now the most cringe worthy moment int he clip. At 1:11 Mr. Lewis see's a GIRL (w-w-w-what?!!!!) for some reason pretending to play the game with an air controller. This is where I can barely take it anymore. WHO would do this? No one! Have you ever seen anyone doing that? I've been around a lot of people playing and watching games and that has never occurred. Why? Because it's stupid. This is the point of no return and whatever happens now is possible. Mario running around with the Prince? Sure why not. The game somehow kills the guy playing it? Yep its a possibility. After this moment you know the writer(s) have never either played a game or watched a game or are even vaguely aware of what a game even abstractly resembles in our physical realm.
13) Side note but doesn't anyone else have anything better to do in the police station? Get to work!
14) The girl owns at the game. This is cool cause you wouldn't see it coming. Oh wait a second everyone did. Stupid "nerd" guy may not have even bothered as soon as he started boasting about his Star Wars or whatever nerd crap he was talking about.
15) "Winner" montage is the same level as "loser" montage but she is supposed to be advancing in levels. They couldn't even show further levels in the game to give it SOME credibility?
16) Gee she is still doing great.
17) The dramatic part where she leaps on the horse and narrowly makes it through the gates is all a cut scene so you don't even control that part when you play it because it's just an in game movie there.
18) Seriously? This is the hardest part to actually put in to words for me. The revelation that this guy's secret excel files were hiding in the game all along has so many problems that I don't even want to explain it all. Just know that its essentially impossible and ridiculous. Even if he spent the entire time hacking the code and rebuilding it to include secret excel documents AS WELL AS modifying his xbox's hard drive it would be a colossal waste of time. In that amount of time he could have gotten a full time job making minimum wage, save like $5,000, printed his excel documents out, bought a shovel, a safe and maybe a shack in the woods and buried it all in the woods and still spent less time than it would have taken (and be more secure) than putting his secret excel docs at the end of level 10 in a video game.

Worst. Episode. Ever.

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